To die for love…or to live for it?

You always travel the extra mile for my smile.

But I’ve been tired now for quite some while.

Sometimes I think it’s for the best to finally put all my troubles to rest.

 

Greedy heart and a greedier mind, always looking for more ways to find

Escape from this miserable grind, stuck in a stupid treacherous bind.

 

Where to go? Where to run?

Nothing lost but neither was anything won.

All I wanted was to have a little fun, but this life maybe there won’t be some.

 

Who is holding on to what I let go?

Tired of always listening to “NO!”

Will someone understand, will someone know who’s the reason for when I go?

 

While I dream the waking dream everything isn’t really what it seems.

Everyone else got chosen in teams…

I’m the last man standing. The last man wins?

 

Sigh.

 

Just read the words. Forget the pen.

That was now. But now it is then.

Talking won’t help again and again. It’s not about me. It’s all about them.

 

Everyone is watching but no one can see.

How they kill so perfectly every wish and every desire,

Every thing that lights me on fire.

And then they whisper very softly…“Look how she lives so miserably!”

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10 thoughts on “To die for love…or to live for it?

        • You know how a deer is caught in the headlights and is unable to move? Is it paralyzed, shocked or mesmerized? I sometimes find myself in exactly the same position. Unable to move because I don’t understand the truth that I am facing. Thankfully, such moments are few and far in between.

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          • Deer in headlight analogy is good. I don’t know either what makes them stand there, or makes them jump into a moving vehicle. The vehicle I now drive was involved in such a collision, sustaining serious front end damage – I wasn’t driving it at the time – but the driver’s recollection made me wonder: it’s like the deer deliberately threw itself into the van, and yes, it was at night so headlights were involved. Something messes up the normal programming, or perhaps it’s the choice of “fight” response that causes it, facing the “predator” when escape seems impossible – a last stand? There are things people go through and talk about to me I cannot understand because I have always refused to go where they went, or where they reside now. I have experienced depression, dark enough to seriously consider suicide. Nevertheless I don’t understand it and I can’t understand someone who lives in it. I don’t think there is a helpful way to “understand” such a thing, anymore than trying to understand how a murderer feels by going out and killing somebody. It’s never the same thing because the “reason” is different. That’s why drugs don’t actually work: they just mask the problem, or exacerbate it, as in my mother’s case. Many of these things are choices that were made long ago when the long term consequences were not thought through, a common Earthian trait to not think about consequences. Some are caused by events beyond the person’s control, like my entire immediate family being prey to drug addictions and alcoholism because their grandparents were alcoholics and so was the father. My mother who did not drink at all suffered from massive depression and committed suicide finally at age 46. Though I tried suicide once I escaped the lure of drugs and alcohol and I’ve had a lifetime to observe the effects such addictions had on brothers and sister. If there are answers to these questions, I have none except for the personal choices we make. Depression comes upon us through our thinking which can, with great effort, be corrected. Drugs and alcohol are the terribly wrong choices in self medication that destroys the power of self control and responsibility. My thoughts on the subject. A deep thank you for providing the canvas on which to paint them.

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            • To step into the other’s shoe is not very appealing most of the times. For some situations I would rather believe that my set of rules is the best parameter to try to understand people. no one in my family had a history of substance abuse. I tried alcohol and smoking when i was still in college but found that the natural “high” i got from meditations or just plain full-belly laugh, lasted much longer than anything else. I never tried drugs – i was too scared after seeing the way people got hooked on and then never let go. We all want adventure and excitement in our lives. But where we look for it, defines who we are. “Find ecstasy within yourself. It is not out there. It is in your innermost flowering. The one you are looking for is YOU.” – Osho. Depression – yes that has been a constant dark cloud around my silver lining. I find that no matter what i do there is always this sense of dissatisfaction at the end of the day. Like a job not done properly or left incomplete. i have contemplated suicide just to end this confusion etc but i guess am not brave enough to do so. i think about all the people i am responsible for and i just roll up my sleeves and get down to doing something. writing was very helpful. especially therapeutic to share it with people and gain some perspective. i am just trying to be a better person. a small goal that i have set for myself yet it requires constant attention and focus.

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    • do you know what depression is? i don’t. but sometimes i think it might be just like this…knowing that things are good, yet thinking that maybe they aren’t…wanting things to end but can’t wait for things to start…confusion with a lot of clarity or questions that beg not to be answered…i don’t know what it’s really like for those who are stuck in this maze, but i imagine it would be something like this…

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