Searching for me

/ The Grateful Dead

These past few days while my voice here has been silent, my mind has been working overtime. A wise monk once said that we have been given two ears, two eyes yet one mouth for a very special reason. We must see and hear more; talk less. I have finally decided to pay heed to wisdom and that’s what I have been up to – listening, observing and maintaining silence. While it would sound so profound if I were to confess that I have also managed to achieve inner silence, it would also be a lie. All has been chaotic inside. Too many thoughts, too many unanswered questions and too much of information to deal safely with.

However, amidst all this disarray there has been a moment of clarity. A revelation, if you will. We are all struggling to find out who we are, and in this futile attempt we tend to latch on to the first label that seems most aesthetically appealing. Thus, there are those who would not put in the hours yet think it their absolute right to claim the credit of the work done. In fact, if one were to listen to them, it would seem that they had in fact done the “doer” an act of kindness by allowing them to finish the chore. This is a very commonly occurring phenomenon. Why is it so? Maybe because they don’t want to accept the label that comes with the kind of temperament that they have. Being a doer of actions is so much more exotic than admitting that you’d rather just sit and watch the world go by.

While everyone is trying to fit in to some obscure label concocted by the society, I sit and wonder – who are we fooling anyways? Ultimately, the main question will forever be unanswered. Who am I?

15 thoughts on “Searching for me”

  1. Would you really like to know who you are, or what you are? After rejecting all of society’s labels, what are you left with? What can you fit to yourself? If there’s nothing you like, then why not simply re-invent yourself? That is a “trick” most do not realize is available. I’ve done it, so writing from experience. Choose. What do you want to be? A human being? That’s a good start. Define for yourself what it means to be a human being, not an image, as in a physical shape but someone who lives; who acts, in a particular way.

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    • My name means that which has been predestined. As in it is the Creator’s Will. While I am not very religious, I do believe that there is some cosmic power that has put us here to find our true purpose. I choose to believe that mine is to bring joy. Everyone who had ever come in contact with me (except my mother in law!) has always said that I bring them peace. I am currently working on that. Spreading happiness through my food and my words. Love for the body and the soul.

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  4. Ooo, when we saw this, we knew we had to think about it. Quite a bit. So then ~
    Generally, you’ve concluded that you’re not this kind of person, nor that. That ought sound familiar: neti neti. I always thought that by finding out what I am NOT, I’ve “cleaned house” in my head: getting out everyone else’s rubbish. And! There is so much! No matter how good friends, family and society may be in our eyes, they leave their refuse. You can’t do this. You should not do that. These……rules are social constructs, they’ve nothing to do with what is right or wrong. “You can’t wear THAT in public!” “What will the neighbors say?” That stuff. In our hearts, all of us know it’s wrong to kill, wrong to steal. We don’t need a ‘higher authority’ for it. And there’s a clue here. If we know what things are wrong – evil, okay? – it implies that we also know what is right. That knowledge is in us all and it’s a reflection of what – and WHO – we are. Sha’Tara has the right idea: re-invent yourself! It’s like reincarnating in the same life; you can be anyone you want this time around. May all that is good go with you!

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    • Ah, nice. But does knowing what you are not always answer the question of who you are? Like you’re not a sinner. Does that make you a Saint? I think it’s just a long list of boxes that need to be ticked or crossed off to really show the sum of who you are. While that sounds convenient, the greatest obstacle is coming up with the list in the first place!

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      • Good and subtle points. For me, it was a long process, one which took most of my life – thanks to my ability to think that I was just fine. I wasn’t just fine. The list is easy enough to start: I’m not a killer, for example. But other things, well, I, and I think a lot of other people, never question. Things which our parents instilled in us, many of them are what I called social constructs. In my life, one of these was, ‘treat your parents with respect, no matter what!’ Well……it took me a long time to realize that neither of my parents had much respect for me, in fact, I was always made to feel that I wasn’t good enough in their eyes. I’m aware that I had substandard parents and that not everyone had this problem, I’m just sayin’ here. Finally I told them both, “You want my respect? You have to earn it.” I was fourteen, I think, and I was beaten for saying it. I was told to apologize and I refused. More beatings. Then they tried telling all of the relatives what a horrible kid I was. One – and only one – stood up for me and told them that they were bad parents. This was my mother’s uncle. And this is the stuff we don’t need.

        Now, you asked a question, which, if I can rephrase it, would be something like, “Once I know what I am not (a sinner), does that mean that what I am (a Saint) will magically appear?” No. All of this, this whole process, goes on while we’re busy living our lives. Growing up, marriage maybe, kids maybe, separation maybe……the days go by. It will come, though!

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