My Way…is which way???

Oh, the pain! The frustration! The tears of desperation trying to squeeze their way past my eyelids!…And that’s only because the internet was not working. How things have changed! Once upon a time, I felt the same degree of discontent and restlessness but that was usually when my parents didn’t permit my outings or something or the other. Getting my own way seemed to be the best way, in fact the only way out of the problem. However, they saw things otherwise. Needless to say that I waited desperately for some grey in my hair or maybe a few wrinkles to prove my maturity so that I could finally declare “My way, or the highway!” Alas, though a few grey strands have interspersed with my luscious black, there is nothing to signal the oncoming downpour of wisdom that age guarantees. I am still waiting for that sudden epiphany. An omen. A prophesy. You get the hint, I am just trying out my vocabulary here!

With a child of my own, I can proudly chant my “I am your Mom, so I know best!” slogan. But sometimes (actually more frequently than I can proudly admit) my little one ends up imparting words of wisdom that no amount of money can buy. So then I turn to my dear sweet man to let me boss him around and show him the “right way to get things done”, but so many years with me and he has already developed his own system of perfection which is better than mine. No ego boost there either. Shrugging aside my disappointment, I look around me for something else, anything that can make me feel invincible, indispensable, irreplaceable. Stop! What’s that again? Do I want to rule or do I want to be remembered? Let me think about it.

Ok, I have thought. And decided. Though it would be awesome to reign supreme, I could do with a little bit of acknowledgement, an occasional pat on the back or a lingering kiss to feel I rock. But to be remembered? Yes, that is something that has always been topmost on my list of worries. Ever since I can recall, we have been taught to do something, be something that the world can cite examples of. In a good way. There has always been an underlying fear that to be forgotten would be akin to being wiped off the history of mankind. When I’m gone, if the people around me can’t wait to get on with their lives and lay my memories to rest, how can I expect anyone else to do that?

To become a ghost of a memory, banished to a dark forlorn corner of the mind – allowed to appear only when a scapegoat was needed for all the things that are not working out in someone’s life. No, that’s not what I want to be. I want to be the flame of Mother Teresa giving courage, hope and light from beyond the grave. Spark hearts and minds of millions to work together and make a difference. Be the force that threads together everyone till united we stand. I want to be somebody, anybody, just not nobody.

How? Well, I hope that time will tell and if not, then I hope that I am strong enough to find my way or to accept my fate. I wish I could think up something really clever to end this, trust me I really do. But maybe this post is just one of those rants where I know that I am the creator of my own future and instead of wasting time cribbing, I should have been spending more time looking for a solution!


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