Its just one of those miserably wet rainy day and the skies have been crying for over an hour now. Everything spells gloom and loneliness. I am kinda happy that it’s not just my mood that’s so dark. At least someone’s there to keep me company when I get like this.
You know how all the real soul-searching, life-changing, mood-wrecking questions rise up in your mind when you’re feeling worse than worst? I hate that. It’s like kicking someone when they are already down. But there is some sadistic pleasure that my subconscious derives out of putting me in that situation over and over again. No amount of cribbing, cursing or yelling seems to put it in its place. To cut a long story short, I have too much time on my hands and way too many peace-disturbing questions on my mind.
I won’t bore you with the nitty-gritties of the mental debate that’s currently going on. I am sure you have plenty of horror stories of your own to be interested in mine anyways. Deep down, we both know that we are all the same. Everyone crying out for some love while pasting a huge smile on our faces. Which raises another pertinent query…why is that so? Why is no one ever truly happy? Is there such a thing as happiness or is it just like the unicorn? Something that you read about in the fairy tales and smile and know that it’s never going to happen. Every one seems to be on the pursuit of happyness, but no one seems to have caught the proverbial musk deer. Round and round in circles, feeling ugly emotions, thinking filthy thoughts, yet hoping for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
It’s not to say that I don’t know anything about the state of being happy. That would be too absurd a statement for any living person to make. Or is that too far-fetched? I would assume (and I know that the word itself holds that there are big chances I might be making an ass out of u and me both, risking it still) that at least every person has felt that little tinge of something called happiness. Even though in some cases like the case of baby Brianna, it is hard to imagine it ever being possible. At that age when a kid is supposed to feel nothing but bliss, I shiver to imagine what could be going through her head. Coming back to the point, in general, I think happiness is like a spritz of perfume. It stays for a short time if its out of one of those cheap nauseating bottles (and then you thank God for it’s short life) or lingers longer when it is something premium. But either ways, everyone gets at least one puff per life. Why can’t we then hold on to it? Is it something as elusive as the perfume?
I wish I could say that at the end of this write-up I was going to give you some answers. In my head I am sure that I could, but when it comes to putting it down here I think words fail me. I guess it’s just one those things that each person has to do for themselves. Kinda like eating or breathing…or even going to the washroom. No one else can do it for you.
But I did find the answer to one haunting question – What is the one thing that I would find hardest to give up on? Answer: Constantly underestimating myself.
And I know that either this answer would get a sympathetic nod or a pity shake, but ain’t that the truth? I don’t think I am as hard on others as I am on myself. Somehow the brighter side of things never show up. When I am at the receiving end of a praise, I find myself waiting for the big “but” to come, failing which I can add several of my own to compensate. Why is that I wonder? I know no amount of therapy or counselling can truly change what one thinks about oneself. It has to come from inside. To feel that I am good enough for me.
And since I don’t yet have the answer to that, I will not even trying to give you a sense of closure with this blog.
P.S. There’s another question that did crop up while I read through the entire thing – how the hell do I put my its and it’s in the right place? It’s all about a little comma anyways right? Does it even matter to anyone other than the grammar Nazi? At one point of time I would have been a part of that aforementioned Nazi. Now, I am not so sure I care.