Truth or…truth?

Its just one of those miserably wet rainy day and the skies have been crying for over an hour now. Everything spells gloom and loneliness. I am kinda happy that it’s not just my mood that’s so dark. At least someone’s there to keep me company when I get like this.

You know how all the real soul-searching, life-changing, mood-wrecking questions rise up in your mind when you’re feeling worse than worst?  I hate that. It’s like kicking someone when they are already down. But there is some sadistic pleasure that my subconscious derives out of putting me in that situation over and over again. No amount of cribbing, cursing or yelling seems to put it in its place. To cut a long story short, I have too much time on my hands and way too many peace-disturbing questions on my mind.

I won’t bore you with the nitty-gritties of the mental debate that’s currently going on. I am sure you have plenty of horror stories of your own to be interested in mine anyways. Deep down, we both know that we are all the same. Everyone crying out for some love while pasting a huge smile on our faces. Which raises another pertinent query…why is that so? Why is no one ever truly happy? Is there such a thing as happiness or is it just like the unicorn? Something that you read about in the fairy tales and smile and know that it’s never going to happen. Every one seems to be on the pursuit of happyness, but no one seems to have caught the proverbial musk deer. Round and round in circles, feeling ugly emotions, thinking filthy thoughts, yet hoping for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It’s not to say that I don’t know anything about the state of being happy. That would be too absurd a statement for any living person to make. Or is that too far-fetched? I would assume (and I know that the word itself holds that there are big chances I might be making an ass out of u and me both, risking it still) that at least every person has felt that little tinge of something called happiness. Even though in some cases like the case of baby Brianna, it is hard to imagine it ever being possible. At that age when a kid is supposed to feel nothing but bliss, I shiver to imagine what could be going through her head. Coming back to the point, in general, I think happiness is like a spritz of perfume. It stays for a short time if its out of one of those cheap nauseating bottles (and then you thank God for it’s short life) or lingers longer when it is something premium. But either ways, everyone gets at least one puff per life. Why can’t we then hold on to it? Is it something as elusive as the perfume?

I wish I could say that at the end of this write-up I was going to give you some answers. In my head I am sure that I could, but when it comes to putting it down here I think words fail me. I guess it’s just one those things that each person has to do for themselves. Kinda like eating or breathing…or even going to the washroom. No one else can do it for you.

But I did find the answer to one haunting question – What is the one thing that I would find hardest to give up on?  Answer: Constantly underestimating myself.

And I know that either this answer would get a sympathetic nod or a pity shake, but ain’t that the truth? I don’t think I am as hard on others as I am on myself. Somehow the brighter side of things never show up. When I am at the receiving end of a praise, I find myself waiting for the big “but” to come, failing which I can add several of my own to compensate. Why is that I wonder? I know no amount of therapy or counselling can truly change what one thinks about oneself. It has to come from inside. To feel that I am good enough for me.

And since I don’t yet have the answer to that, I will not even trying to give you a sense of closure with this blog.

P.S. There’s another question that did crop up while I read through the entire thing – how the hell do I put my its and it’s in the right place? It’s all about a little comma anyways right? Does it even matter to anyone other than the grammar Nazi? At one point of time I would have been a part of that aforementioned Nazi. Now, I am not so sure I care.

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One thought on “Truth or…truth?

  1. To the important stuff first: its is possessive whereas it’s is… well, short for “it is” – so to test which is which, when you use “its” try saying it as “it is” and if that sounds OK, then you need to use it’s. 🙂
    Personally I have learned that one can never be “too hard” on oneself. We need discipline and since we live in a decadent and undisciplined society, then we need to apply severe self-discipline to our own life. Everything we think, say or do can, and must, be improved upon. It’s what makes us human, and if we don’t self-discipline, we slide ever further down the path away from our humanity. Characteristics of undisciplined people: arrogant, loud, boastful, greedy, selfish, uncaring; whiners, bitchers, complainers, endlessly glorifying their successes, or their victimhood. Bullies, liers, cheats, manipulators, controllers. That’s enough to make a point: I’ve just enumerated some of the greatest “virtues” of Western society’s great men and women in leadership positions; its entertainers, media personalities, police and military mindset, politicians, bankers, etc. I for one don’t want to find myself emulating those people: they make me sick. So the alternative is to live a disciplined life in self-empowerment, free to make my own choices, and developing the fortitude to accept the responsibilities that come from those choices.
    I think you and I have discussed the state of “being happy” before, but to recap, I find it a royal waste of my time to seek for happiness. Like “love” happiness is a will o’ the wisp, ephemeral, emotional state. It cannot sustain itself in a chaos world, and earth is a chaos world par excellence. So, having thrown out the pleasure of happiness and comfort of love, what’s left? To the self-empowered, love is replaced by compassion; happiness is replaced with joy. Compassion enables the compassionate being to feel the pulse of the world without getting either vapidly emotional nor morbid or depressed. The reason is that love is reciprocal whereas compassion is “manufactures” totally from one’s own spiritual and mental resources. Joy enables one to endure the great waves of sorrow that wash through the aura of a chaos world. Lived through joy, sorrow is not debilitating, but contributes to one’s quest for higher understanding of self empowerment while demonstrating the growing need for self-discipline. With these two pillars of wisdom supporting one’s spiritual-mental-physical nature one is freed from the fear of failure or death or simply having missed out on something (a kind of greed) and discovers what freedom means. Freedom is no longer “from” but “to” – free to attain ever more esoteric levels of self-empowerment without anyone having the power or authority to gainsay or prevent. (Sorry for the too-long comment but your article was a challenge!!!)

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